Are you a "good person" who always thinks for others and always gives too much? Experts 6 questions to test whether there is "good person syndrome"

In early 2023, a shocking socialite case occurred in Hong Kong. According to media reports, the socialite (the deceased) took care of her ex-husband's family after divorce, bought a luxury house and registered her in the name of her former father-in-law, hired her former uncle to serve as a driver... etc. The family described the character of the deceased during his lifetime as kind, kind, kind, and happy to give. The Korean drama "The First Time in Life" also writes the life of the heroine who lives with her mother-in-law after marriage. The heroine is a gentle, kind, and not good at resisting others. She has been swearing by her mother-in-law to do a lot of hard work. Although she is not very handsome, she hears the praise of her relatives, and she also shows a proud and complicated emotion...

, Clinical psychologist of the psychiatry department of Zhongxiaoyuan District, Taipei City, said, In Taiwan, the job or international groups like to emphasize "we are one" and "big family", so the salary and welfare gap is not mentioned. Often when employees discuss rights or work plan splits, the company emphasizes "don't think more" and "the capable people will work more". If employees undertake too much things, they often only change to a little bit of praise, and sometimes they don't even have a single praise.

In the family, when you are in the evening, the relatives are busy paying attention to your work. Once you introduce the work, you seem to be grateful to him. Unmarried people often meet a bunch of people who are matchmakers, and even those who are married don’t let go, and frequently urge them to have children. After giving birth, they also hope that they will follow many teaching instructions. When they are all adults, their families can also go in and out of their respective rooms at will, and use/flip/check the other party’s items at will.

What is "psychological boundary"?

The above examples are performed in different degrees and ways every day. How can we avoid the continuous "overly burdened" effort? Gigi Lai explained that first of all, we need to understand what "psychological boundaries" are. The idea of the name is the limit that everyone can accept psychologically.

She metaphorically, psychological boundaries are like a wall of a house. Others cannot take care of the things in their own house, and vice versa. If the wall is steel and concrete, then external changes will not easily affect the house, but if the wall is a low wooden column, a little bit of wind will interfere.

6 Questions: Self-testing whether there is a "good person syndrome"

What kind of people need to examine their psychological boundaries, isn't it complete? Gigi Lai listed the following "6 major characteristics" to help the public to see themselves. Are you unintentionally falling into the trap of "good people syndrome":

1. Are you a good gentleman/mistress? Do you always want to be a good person in multiple human roles?

2. When you have done something to others and encounter similar situations with others around you, is it too much?

3. Do you always think you have to explain to the people around you or be responsible for their affairs?

4. Do you often pass the thought of "This is what I should do" in your heart? Or will you agree to the first time no matter what job you are assigned?

5. Do you often feel exhausted and never finish things?

6. Do you think you are a good person, but you have not received any kind of thanks or reply?

"There are evil and the good are good." Gigi Lai pointed out that people with unclear psychological boundaries are less able to accurately grasp the difference between people, often invade others without knowing it. On the contrary, they also allow themselves to be violated by others. When they invade others, they will dance. The banners such as "For your own good, help you, worry about you..." are actually infringing on others and disrespectful to others; if the other party tries to set a distance, they will use words such as "love, poor attitude, rejecting others' kindness, and being ungrateful," to refer to others, which is "good dominance".

People who are good at domineering are actually helpless. They always think that they have already undertaken too much, and try their best to be a bull and a horse. "Why are others still doing this to me?", "I am so good to others, and I want to be called "good overlord"?" Gigi Lai explained that most people's misunderstandings about boundaries lies in thinking that "once I set boundaries, I will cut off the relationship between people." Otherwise, we are all taught that giving is virtue and kindness, but please remember to be kind with boundaries.

Four major practices to set "psychological boundaries"

Gigi Lai said that setting psychological boundaries by yourself is like first booking game rules for the outside world, which can better distinguish between people and me, what matters are related to yourself, and how much you should pay, so that you can respect and love each other and love each other for a long time. So how should we set psychological boundaries so that we should not become a good bully or be violated by a good bully? She provides the following "4 practical practices":

1. Don't sacrifice for whom, don't worry about whom, and don't bother whom, but do things within the scope of your sincerity, willingness, and ability:

The so-called "sincerity, willingness" is "I will do it only when I want to do it, and ask whether I think about it first." Behavior is not for others or social evaluation. Asian culture is group-oriented. In order to maintain the psychological circle and protect yourself, Gigi Lai suggests that you should remind yourself at all times to amplify "me".

There are many things in this world that need to be in harmony, sacrifice, and retreat. Since we want to be willing to do so, we need to protect ourselves with clear boundaries. No matter what we choose to sacrifice, we must still remember to love ourselves well. Gigi Lai pointed out that she had met some people who would be tempted to worry about others, and even said directly to the other party during the chat, "I am really worried about you." And based on this kind of worry, she did a lot of things that help others..

But Gigi Lai reminds that in fact, at some times, jealousy means crossing the boundaries and invading others without knowing it, because "jealousy" itself implies a sense of superiority that I am superior to you and you are inferior to you, and you will not be able to do this. When you judge based on a certain subject and think that the other party is the weak and cannot do these things, so jealousy and help others do it is usually the beginning of international conflicts. It is recommended to replace worry with concern. If you think the other party needs help, please first ask him if he needs help, to what extent..., etc., and then decide the appropriate method you should adopt. I believe that doing this will make the other party feel your warmth.

2. Try to distinguish between things and people's distantness:

Gigi Lai pointed out that you can imagine international relations as a concentric circle, starting from the heart, the most important part is yourself. The more you extend it, it means that the less important it is to yourself. If you love yourself and then love others, you will be able to take good care of others. At the same time, you should learn resources such as allocating time, energy, money, etc., and take the lead in considering the objects and things that include yourself and sort the top names. If you understand your own limitations, no one can grasp everything in full.

3. Tag your own emotions or physical status:

When you are with someone or encounter something, you always feel that there is something strange that cannot be said? Gigi Lai suggested that you can try to ask yourself at this time: "Am I unhappy? Do I feel bad?", "What did the other party do if he does something?" It is very important to seize the immediate emotion at that time, because this is the immediate feeling telling yourself that if there is a problem with this matter, you should be alert.

4. Understand the law: The existence of

law means defining the most basic behavioral rules of a person. Law is also a boundary. Knowing the law can allow us to evaluate the current situation and we will know how to grasp the boundaries. Sometimes a charity will emphasize the right thing, but we don’t know that what we say is wrong is that there is a fundamental doubt about the law, which is infringing on others. If we can understand the law, we can help us look at the drama in front of us from a new perspective, and our mood follows the sea and the sky.

Gigi Lai reminds the public that the most important thing is to remember that you must love yourself well, first establish and plan to make psychological boundaries that are light and urgent, and be distant from a distance. Only by taking care of your own ideas first can you be more capable of taking care of other important people and things.

【This article is authorized by the uho Health Network, and the original article is published on the website: https://www.uho.com.tw/article-61167.html】

(Responsible editor: Ye Zicen)